The Mating Game
by tunaro
Summary: A mysterious girl carrying a strange Icha Icha Paradise book shows up claiming to be Naruto's daughter. In the course of 2 weeks, who knows what will happen as the question on everyone's mind is answered: Who exactly is this girl's mother?
1. Reconnaissance

_Author's note: 'Sup everybody. This is gonna be my first shot at a fic, so flamers are bitches. This story's been floating around in my head for a while now and just recently started to solidify. Generally, I don't really approve of OC's but the story sorta calls for it. Sorry if you're not into that stuff; I'm really not, either._

_This story's not a lemon, whatever the title may imply, but it's gonna get as close as possible without ever actually going there. It will get there, of course, I'm just not gonna write it. Probably. If you're interested in helping out or really want something to happen, I'll see what I can do._

_I don't own the series, but anything else that shows up is my own idea. Peace…_

"_Heaven, is everything all set up?"_

_From her spot on the rooftop, the girl made sure that everything was in position, "Yep, Buddha's got a lock on the target right now. He's at the starting point with White Fang and Blackbird right now. White Fang, do you copy- is the target in position?"_

"_Copy that. We've released the target and he's just begun to move. The operation is a go," The man replied, watching their quarry move into the distance, then looked over to his young partner, "You know, you didn't have to take it so seriously."_

"_I did what I was told," the sullen young man standing next to him replied, crossing his arms._

"_Roger that, White Fang. Buddha, what's the target's status?"_

"_He's moving down the street towards checkpoint 1, as expected. ETA is 2 minutes."_

_Nodding to the boy beside her, the girl raised her fingers to her headset and contacted her next set of accomplices,"Sandman, he's coming your way."_

"…_Zzzt…"_

"_Sandman, Wake Up!"_

"_-snrk, huh, what?"_

"_Is the target their yet?"_

"_Hn? Oh, yeah… He's going by us right now…" rubbing his eyes as he watched the target move past Sandman and his chubby wingman._

"_Okay, that just leaves the last checkpoint," Heaven said as she made to contact the next operative."Hey, do you read me? He should be passing by you any minute now, Porky."_

"_WHO THE HELL CAME UP WITH THE CODE NAMES?!" the girl at the other end of the line screamed into the walkie talkie, nearly causing the network of communicators to short out._

"_I-I think that that was Cherry's job-"_

"_I should have guessed! Sakura, I DEMAND that you give me a better codename RIGHT NOW!" the girl screamed to the other, other girl on the line._

"_Aw c'mon, Porky, it's not that bad of a codename." The pink haired conspirator said slyly, giggling at her friend/rival's suffering. "Besides, we're in the middle of an operation, I can't just change it right no-"_

"_You change it RIGHT NOW, or I'll blow this whole thing right now. I swear to God, I will walk up to him this instant and tell him everything."_

"_You wouldn't!" Sakura gasped, appalled at what the blonde girl was threatening._

"_You better believe I will," said blonde replied, grinning evilly into the line._

"_F-fine, fine," the girl replied quickly, no way in hell she was going to let Ino ruin all of their heard work. "Your new codename is… Bacon bits." 'Well, almost no way,' the pink haired genin thought to herself, grinning._

"_Oh you insufferable, Little BI-"_

"_Ino, focus," Heaven interrupted quickly, "Is he there yet?"_

"_Huh? What? Oh yeah, he just went by right now," Ino replied, watching the boy walk past her family's shop,"he'll be there in about five minutes."_

"_All right. Cherry, Sensei, you're up."_

"_Got it, thanks." Sakura and Kurenai turned towards the girl in front of them, trying to reassure her in the alley they were hiding in. Also, Kiba and Shino were there too, I guess, for emotional support or something. "Hinata, are you sure you're ready?"_

_The meek, white eyed girl trembled before the two, looking as though she was going to pass out…again. But she managed to steady herself long enough to look the both of them in the eyes and reply, "Yes, I have to do this." 'I can't let all of their work go to nothing,' She thought, 'I have to go and see this through.'_

"_All right, if you're sure you're ready," Sakura soothed, guiding the girl out of the alley they were hiding in._

"_This is it guys," Tenten called through their earpieces, "get ready to release in 3… 2…"_

It was a beautiful day in Konoha. The sun was shining brightly down from a clear blue sky, the birds and all the little animals chirping and bounding happily in the distance. For him, it was just one of those perfect, awesome days that sucked like Hell.

Naruto Uzumaki walked down the streets of the village, sighing as he rubbed his bruised arms. He was so down, it was like he could feel the world looking down at him, watching his misery. After a training session like he had today, there was only one thing that could help his damaged pride. I mean, sure it was just one thing, but he wanted it over and over again, until he was to dazed to move. Walking through the streets of town, he saw the place he wanted to get to, the center of the greatest feeling known to man, Ichiraku Ramen. He was not 5 feet away when he "suddenly" bumped into Hinata Hyuga.

"Oh, hey Hinata," the boy said. "What's up?"

"_Come on Hinata, you can do this," _Sakura said into the girl's ear. _"We're right here with you."_

_She's right_, Hinata thought, _I CAN do this_. "S-sorry, Naruto-kun," The young girl managed to stammer quietly. It suddenly dawned on her how important this moment was, what she could get if she played her part right. She HAD to be able to do this. She focused all her will and looked back up to her blonde crush.

'_Oh God, there's no way I'm going to be able to do this.'_

"Don't worry about," Naruto grinned, "that's not the worst way someone's run into me today. Where are you headed anyway?"

"O-oh, nowhere, really. I-I was just taking a walk through town since it's such a nice day today." Damn it! What the hell kind of lame excuse was that?! "W-what about you?"

"Oh, I was just heading over to get some ramen. I'm starving after the training session I had with Kakashi-sensei and Sasuke this morning. I tell you, Sasuke really slammed me into the ground today. I can't tell you how hard it is to walk right now. It's cool though, 'cause Kakashi-sensei gave me some money for breakfast to help me feel better. But I'll make sure that the next time that we get together, I'll be the one to beat HIS butt raw, and I'll make sure that Kakashi-sensei is there to watch!" The blonde ninja grinned, totally unaware of what just came out of his mouth.

A soft breeze blew through Konoha all the way to the training grounds, passing by the whole team of conspirators, leaving the sound of wind and Sasuke's intense heaving in their ears. _'I warned you were being too serious,'_ Kakashi thought as he watched Sasuke vomit into the grass.

Finally, Tenten managed to collect herself enough to respond with a single word.

"Awesome."

"Tenten!"

"What's wrong Ino? You were thinking the same thing."

"I-I was not!" Ino yelled, freaking out the customers in the shop.

"So why are you blushing?" Tenten grinned through her binoculars at the younger girl's panic.

"Hey, what's wrong Hinata? You're looking sorta funny," Naruto asked at the trembling red girl as she, too, had misinterpreted Naruto's poorly phrased words. "Maybe you should sit down or something."

"Hey, actually… you should come with me!" the boy grinned.

Not sure she was hearing right, Hinata pulled out a tape recorder from her back pocket and asked, "I-I'm sorry, Naruto, what was that?" She wanted to make sure he said what she thought she said. For later. And more importantly, for now. Although later might be more important, depending on how well the plan worked.

"Come with me," Naruto repeated, unaware of the huge blush spreading further across Hinata's face. "Some ramen would definitely do you some good."

"_Hinata, this is your chance," _Sakura urged her, still listening in on the conversation._ "Just say yes._

'_This is it,'_Hinata thought, _'I just have to say yes.'_

"N-no thank you, i-it's okay." '_God DAMN it!' __**"**_I don't want to be any trouble." _'Damn it to hell.'_ Hinata lowered her head, and was ready to go home and spend the rest of her life locked in her room with some ice cream and her recording when she felt Naruto's hands on her shoulders.

"Don't worry about," Naruto assured the girl. "Kakashi-sensei actually gave me a little too much cash. There should be enough ramen for the both of us. C'mon, it'll be my treat."

The white-eyed girl just gaped back at her crush, unable to believe her good fortune. '_Come on, girl, he gave you another chance. Use it! Use it, use it, use it!'_ Hinata thought desperately, no way she was going to let this oppurtunity go again._ 'Open your damn mouth and just say "Yes!" Hurry!'_

"A-all right, Naruto, i-if you're s-sure," she managed to stammer. '_Hell Yes! Score!' _She thought to herself proudly.

"Great!" Naruto exclaimed happily, spinning the quiet girl around as he put her arm around her, guiding her back to the shop. "Let's get going."

'_Holy crap!'_ Hinata thought, excitedly, trying her best not to notice the boy being so close to her. _'This is really happening; we're actually going somewhere! Together! Yes! Yes! YES!'_

"S-sure thing, Naruto-kun," she said quietly, lowering her head a little more and willing her body with all her might to stay conscious and walk alongside the boy.

"_All right guys, the Fox caught the Rabbit," _Tenten called on her earpiece, happily watching the scene. _"They're together. Nice job."_

Hearing this, those in the alley started to celebrate, Sakura in particular. "Hell Yes! I knew this would work!" she exclaimed proudly, punching the air in front of her.

Wait- Air wasn't this hard and… solid? She looked in front of her to see a massive crater in the building she was hiding behind, her fist lodged deftly in the center and cracks spreading across the wall, splitting it into pieces, bits of building crashing into the ground.

"Sakura, what the hell?!" Kiba screamed, dodging a chunk of concrete from taking out his head. "What if they hear something?!"

"Re-relax Kiba, they won't," Sakura chuckled nervously, checking her ear to make sure.

"_Hey what was that?" _Naruto asked over on Hinata's side.

Crap.

"What was what Naruto-kun?" Hinata said quickly, determined not to let anything get in her way.

"Huh, I guess it was just my imagination…" Naruto shrugged it off and kept walking.

Sakura sighed at the sounds of the footsteps in her ear. It took a lot of time to pull off, making sure that Naruto, and especially Lee and Gai, didn't find out. And there were some close calls, but their plan had worked and Hinata was on her way to a date with Naruto right now. The two were well on their way to love. She smiled at the thought. Hinata was happy, Naruto would leave her alone, and that meant she could go after Sasuke without any interruptions. Mission accomplishe-

"_YOU FREAKING BASTAARRRDDDD!"_

"_Wha- Aurgh!"_

"_KYYYAAAAAHHHHHHH!"_

Everyone rushed to source of the screams of pain and horror that had just filled the air seconds ago. Sakura's group managed to get there first, checking out what had happened and Oh My God… it looked like a scene of a horror film. Chunks of glass and concrete were everywhere; the remains of store displays littered across the streets and in the middle was Hinata. The poor girl was slumped on the ground, her head resting against a ruined wall, her face and chest covered in blood.

Sakura immediately rushed to the girl's side, cradling her head and gently trying to wake her up, listening closely for any sign of recognition. "Hinata! Are you okay?!"

"Sa-Sa…kura, N-na…ru…tos…"

"Naruto?" Looking further ahead, Sakura did indeed see the blonde haired boy just beyond them further down the street. Greatly bruised and looking even less conscious than Hinata, he was being viciously beaten by a very pissed, screaming girl.

Rushing in to help her teammate, Sakura slowed down a little when she started listening to just what exactly the girl was yelling.

"YOU PERVERTED JACKASS!" the assailant yelled, shoving her unfortunate victim through a nearby window, then pulling him back by his jacket and shoving his face in the dirt. "I COME ALL THE WAY TO SEE YOU, AND WHAT DO I FIND?! YOU WITH YOUR ARM AROUND SOME GIRL?! EAT IT!"

"Naruto!"

Sakura picked up her speed again, heading towards the young man in need as fast as she could, bringing the sweet light of hope back to Naruto's eyes. "Sakura!"

"NARUTO!"

"Sakura?" That didn't look like that face of someone coming to his aid. In fact, it looked more like someone on the way to kick his as- "Waughh!" He was proved right as Sakura drove the point home into his side with her foot. "What the hell was that fo-Augh!"

The two girls continued to mercilessly beat the young man as the others began to arrive, standing around the beat down. They all wanted to know what was going on, but there was no way in hell any of them were going to let themselves get dragged into this bloodbath. Eventually, the attackers' arms wore out and they switched to stomping him further into the dirt.

After several more minutes of brutal, and somewhat literal, ass-kicking, Kakashi finally stepped up and addressed the trio. "Sakura, why exactly are you helping this girl?"

"Just look at her!" the pink haired genin screamed, pointing at the blonde girl next to her.

Wait, blonde?

Looking closer, the rest of them finally noticed what was so strange about this girl. Her long blonde hair, tied into twin pigtails, blue eyes, orange jacket; she looked almost exactly like…

"Have you been messing with your shadow clones again, Naruto?" Sakura accused, still not stopping to kick him.

'_Well that explains what happened to Hinata,'_ Kakashi thought quietly, glancing over to the unconscious, smiling girl covered in blood a few feet away. _'She must have passed out from shock.'_

"Not. Since. The. Last. Time I. Played. Ultimate. Naruto. Augh!" He managed to say, each word punctuated by a kick to his head.

"What the hell is Ultimate Naruto?!"

"Naruto, do you know who this girl is?" Kakashi said quickly, hoping to save the boy from any more harm, not that it would have helped at this point.

The young man tried to answer, hands over his head to protect what was still left of his face. "N-no, I don't! I've never met her befor-"

"You better believe he knows me!" the girl shrieked, interrupting Naruto with a swift blow to the ribs. "I've known him my whole life, and he's always like this. I should have figured he'd still be the same."

"What exactly do you mean by that?" Kakashi asked staring in confusion, still not knowing exactly what the hell was going on.

"If this asshole doesn't have a girl's arm around his own, he's got one in the other… or down his pants. Ugh!" She grimaced as she and Sakura began to beat the boy with renewed anger and super-violence.

"All right, Naruto!" Kiba exclaimed, earning him a quick smack up the side of his head from Ino, even though she was similarly impressed, if somewhat grossed out.

"You still haven't answered my question," Kakashi said simply, having given up trying to help his student. "Who exactly are you?"

With on final kick between Naruto's legs, effectively causing him to black out at long last, the girl came up from her beatdown, turned around to face them and simply answered, "I'm Naruko, his daughter."

_Author's Note Pt 2: Wow… that was way longer than I thought it would be. Anyway, just to clarify, Naruko looks like Naruto's sexy jutsu. Except she's wearing clothes. Clichéd? Hell yes. Do I care? Hell no. It makes it easier on myself and the plot. Thanks for reading. Review and comment Please!_


	2. Debriefing

_I don't own Naruto, but anything else that shows up is my own idea._

She bit her lip uncertainly and a light red dusted her cheeks, "I-I don't know… about this…"

"Come on, baby," the man cooed soothingly, moving to her side to comfort the woman.

Shizune watched the pair nervously from the side of the room, not believing the situation she was finding herself in. It was bad enough that the two were even considering doing this, but did they have to involve her? Didn't they care that she was right there, watching their whole exchange?

"But what if someone finds out about this…" But the woman's tone of voice betrayed her thoughts. She was almost there, he only needed a little more prodding before she gave in.

The man put his hand on her shoulder and flashed her a warm, winning smile, "Who's going to find out? How?"

Anger and embarrassment rising from uncertainty, Tsunade slammed both hands on her desk. "They'll find out Jiraiya, because _you'll tell them _about it. Hell, knowing you, you'll run around the village screaming it at the top of your lungs!"

"Yeah, probably," the white haired pervert shrugged, not a hint of shame in his words. Damn! One more push and he would have ended up one of the happiest men in the world. But still, it was no worry if she resisted a bit at first. He was never one to take no for an answer, and by God, did he have the restraining orders to prove it.

"I can't believe you almost talked me into this, you old lecher! If you even suggest this sort of crap to me, I'll beat you within an inch of your life and rip off your sorry excuse for a di-"

"Yo."

The door opened, saving Jiraiya from the mental image of Tsunade's threat as Kakashi and the rest walked in. On the way to Tsunade's office, they had picked up Asuma. Gai and Lee just happened to show up too to challenge Kakashi. They decided this was more important, so they forgot about the challenge. It definitely had nothing to do with Kakashi making a better shadow puppet. Not that he did.

Naruto still wasn't in any shape to walk yet, so Sasuke had "volunteered" to carry him there. Hinata was still freaking out over Naruto having a kid, so Sakura had to carry her, too. Entering the room, Sasuke threw the blonde on the couch before taking a spot by the wall with the other guys; Sakura placed Hinata gently next to Naruto.

"What is it," Tsunade growled. "Jiraiya and I supposed to be discussing the Akatsuki's movements right now!"

Shizune rolled her eyes and scoffed. _'Discussing the Akatsuki, huh? Yeah, that's what you were talking about.'_

Jiraiya raised an eyebrow at the pouting blonde girl next to Kakashi. "Naruto, have you been playing "Ultimate You" again?"

"This is Naruto's daughter," Kakashi said calmly, waving the hand not holding porn over to Naruko.

"Screw it, this is more important. Naruto, explain," Tsunade ordered, discreetly putting Jiraiya's…"proposal"… underneath her desk.

Still feeling pretty woozy, Naruto tried to get up. "I don't know! I mean how can I even have a kid?!"

The Hokage rubbed her temples and sighed, "Ugh, do we _really_ have to go through this again? When a man and woman love each other-"

"Or get drunk," Jiraiya interrupted.

"Or stressed out," Asuma said, sneaking a quick glance at Kurenai.

"Or… ya know… bored," Kakashi said absently, not looking up from his book.

"I know how! …Bored?" Naruto turned to Kakashi, who just shrugged. "I _mean_, how can _I_ have a kid? Look at her; she's like almost the same age as me!"

"She could just be insane," Tsunade suggested.

"Nah, we had Ino take a peek at her brain," Kakashi replied. "She's not crazy; at the very least, she really does believe that she's his kid, and I wouldn't exactly argue against the resemblance between the two."

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here!" Naruko whined. "I happen to be from the future."

"The future… right…"

"Got a problem with it, Grandma?" Naruko glared at Tsunade indignantly, before catching something off with her sentence.

"Wait… Grandma? Granma!" Naruko yelled as she suddenly dove head first into the busty blonde's chest.

"Nice," Jiraiya commented, nudging Kakashi.

"Granma, it _is_ you! Awesome!"

"Hey! Wha- what do you think you're doing?" Tsunade managed to stammer as the younger blonde started poking and pulling at her skin.

"You look exactly the same! You haven't aged at all. That is so awesome!" She exclaimed as she stretched out the Hokage's cheeks. "Here," Naruko said fishing something out of her pockets.

"What is it?" Tsunade said, taking the small slip of paper.

"You gave it to me to give as proof to you now so you'd know that you sent me here," Naruko said cheerily, like she hadn't just said the most horribly confusing thing ever. "Take a look."

Tsunade took a peek at the slip of paper, then immediately pulled the girl back into her chest. "Come here, Sweetie! Anything you need, you just ask okay?"

"'Kay!" Naruko replied, hugging her back.

"What's on the piece of paper?" Jiraiya asked, although he already had an idea.

"The lottery numbers for the next three months!" Naruko said from under the busty Hokage's chin.

Tsunade held the girl at arm's length, "All right, dear, what are you here for? Are you here on a mission; to warn us? Is there something coming, like an attack on the village or some sort of disaster?"

"Is someone _else_ gonna try to kill me today?" Naruto groaned from the couch, still having trouble getting blood back to his head.

Naruko shook her head. "No. I am on a mission, but it's not that. This is way more important," she took a deep breath before continuing, "I'm here to look for my mom; it's just me and dad at my house and I want to see her."

"But sweetheart, why did you come all the way here?" Tsunade asked, eyes a little wide in confusion. "Doesn't your mother visit?"

Naruko turned to glare over at Naruto. "If she did, I couldn't tell."

"What's that for? What did I do?"

"More like 'who' than 'what,' ya fuckin' perv."

Naruto looked like he had been punched between the eyes, "Whah?"

Naruko walked across the room and smacked her 'father' upside his head. "Every night, it's the same, damn thing. You come home reeking of booze with some girl. Usually two or three!"

Jaws dropped to the floor and Asuma's cigarette fell out of his mouth. Kakashi looked up from his porn. Hinata looked like she was going to start crying. Sasuke passed the popcorn back to Neji. Jiraiya started shaking.

"That's my boy!" Jiraiya cheered, gazing proudly at his pupil, totally ignoring Tsunade's appalled look. There was no way she was ruining this moment. He knew the kid had it in him! He knew it was only a matter of time before Naruto joined him in his sweet, glorious way of life.

"Even if Mom does visit, I wouldn't be able to recognize her. And do you know why?" Naruko grabbed Naruto by the front of his jacket and lifted him close to her face, before continuing in a dangerous voice, "Do you know how. Many. Women have been in our house?!"

Turning red with amaz- prid- embarrassment as he was lifted in the air, Naruto managed to come up with an answer. "N-no."

"Neither do I! I stopped counting after 100!" Hinata burst into tears.

"Yeah, baby!"

"Jiraiya, shut up!" Really, _really _not wanting to have to hear any more about this, Tsunade changed the subject, "So why did you come _here_, Naruko?"

"Easy, I'm 17 years old," She declared, putting her hands on her hips.

"So?"

"I'm from eighteen years in the future… Get it?"

…

…

…Oh…

…Oh, God.

"Oh my…" "Whoa…" Looks of shock and awe and Sakura's disgust filled the room as everyone turned to look at the other orange clad blonde.

Naruto crossed his arms in confusion, still missing the big picture like the idiot he was. "I don't get it," he pouted, staring at the girl in front of him. "What's that got anything to do with anything?"

An eye twitched from underneath pink locks. "YOU IDIOT!" Sakura shouted, shoving Naruto to the ground and putting her hands around his neck. She started turning redder as she began strangling him, "It means you have to- have to-"

"That's right, _Daddy_, sometime in the next two weeks, you have to get LAID," Naruko smiled sweetly, relishing this new chance to torture her 'father,' decidedly ignoring Hinata's increase in sobbing, before turning to look over at Sakura, her smirk growing slightly bigger. "By the way, keep going with that, it'll help get the job done quicker."

Jiraiya folded his arms, nodding sagely, "Ain't that the truth."

Sakura stopped, her face ablaze as she freed her hands from Naruto's neck, allowing him enough chance to scoot out from under her and get up.

Naruto waved his hands in front of his face in protest, "Uh-uh! No way! I'm not ready for that kinda thing… I-I've never even…" His voice dropped real low, barely being able to say the last part.

"I'm sorry, Naruto, what was that?" Sasuke said, putting a hand to his ear. He was enjoying the show, and he was definitely enjoying watching Naruto suffer. "Could you speak up?"

"I've…never…" Naruto looked down, trying to hide how red his face was turning, painfully aware that every eye in the room was on him. God, did he have to say this in front of everybody here?

"Yes?" God, was Sasuke enjoying this.

"I've never even…k-kissed…a girl…before."

Everyone stopped in that moment.

Now, there were a lot of things that could have happened that could have made Naruto feel even worse than he already did. They could have laughed, or pitied him, or given him some B.S. to convince him that it was alright. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. What actually happened was far, far worse than any of these.

Every girl in the room, besides Sakura (who already knew as much and couldn't be bothered to give two craps about it) and Hinata (who didn't know, but was still trying to get a hold of herself) put their hands together and up to their faces.

"AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!"

"AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!"

Yup, truly one of the most soul crushing moments of Naruto Uzumaki's young life. The guys in the room coughed uncomfortably and looked away, awkwardly trying not to meet his eyes; none of them even had it in them to laugh. Even Sasuke almost felt vaguely ashamed of himself. Almost.

Naruto stood there, too embarrassed to even move, his head so far past red it was turning purple. Or maybe he was just trying to kill himself by holding his breath, not that you could blame him.

Hinata, on the other hand, looked about ready to break out into song and dance. She was just as red as Naruto, but on the bright side, had stopped crying when she realized Naruto's lips (along with some other equally important bits) were still up for grabs. All she had to do was make sure it stayed that way… at least until she got them herself.

A thought occurring to him, Kiba stood up, putting an end to this god awful moment. "Hey, you already kissed someone, remember? It was that time at the Academy with Sas-" Kiba stopped midsentence as he found himself suddenly pinned against the wall by a sudden rush of sharp metal, one particular knife landing just millimeters from certain sensitive equipment he kept on his person.

"I'm sorry, Kiba… What were you saying?" Naruto and Sasuke asked together, each pulling out more kunais from their pockets. "I didn't hear you…"

The Inuzuka swallowed hard and decided he'd rather not sympathize with Akamaru's trauma with vets any further than this. "N-never mind. I-it was just my imagination."

"He's right ya know," Kakashi cut in. "You have kissed people before, at least-" a kunai zoomed past his head, catching a messenger hawk midflight, causing it to drop dead onto one of the building's roof tops. "-like that actress from the Snow Country," Kakashi added quickly.

"And Anko," Ino chimed in, remembering that incident from the Chuunin Exams.

"And me, remember?" Tsunade pointed out.

"That's not the same thing. They were all old-"

"Excuse me?" Tsunade interrupted in a very dangerous voice.

"-er than me," Naruto continued quickly. "Plus Anko didn't kiss me; she just sort of… licked me. Anyway, they weren't real, ya know? They weren't… special."

"AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"SHUT UP!" Naruto yelled, turning red once again.

Kakashi coughed, "Right. So… Naruko. Given Naruto's… situation, how are we supposed to find your mom?"

Naruko's face brightened, glad that things were getting back on track. "I have just the thing. I thought this might happen, so I brought this to help me look for her," she said, fishing out a small book from God knows where and handed it to Naruto. A small, red book that looked a lot like…

Kakashi almost dropped his own book. "Is…is that a new Icha Icha?"

"That's not supposed to be out yet!" Ino gasped, then covered her mouth when she realized what she said.

Sakura shot Ino a shocked, accusing glance. "How the hell do you know that?!"

"Uh… my family's shop is next to a book store?"

"You mean that dirty place with no windows that always has creepy, fat guys ducking into it?"

"Umm…"

Naruto held the book gingerly, like it was going to go off in his hands. "How is this supposed to help us get anywhere?"

Naruko couldn't help grinning evilly. "Check the cover."

"'Icha Icha Tactics.' So?"

She pointed towards the bottom of the book, still smirking like a maniac. "Check out the whole cover. Look who wrote it."

"I already know who wrote it," Naruto snorted. "It was the Pervy Sage. 'Icha Icha Tactics by Naruto Uzumaki' Se-WHAT?!" The room started to spin as he double checked the book again to be sure. Yup, that was his name. On the cover. Of a porn novel.

"Yup, your first book," Naruko declared, crossing her arms and striking a triumphant stance. "The biggest bestseller in Konoha history."

"NO! THAT'S A LIE! YOU'RE LYING! IT'S NOT TRUE!" A look of horror was etched onto Naruto's face as he clutched his hands to his forehead in pain. "This CAN'T be real! I would never write anything as DISGUSTING and perverted as the Pervy Sage."

"Hey." Jiraiya crossed his arms, looking slightly offended. His books weren't disgusting or perver… well they weren't disgusting. Most of them, at least.

The poor boy dropped to his knees, still screaming at the top of his lungs. "IT'S A FAKE! FAKE I TELL YOU! FAAAKKKKKEEEEEEE!"

_Author's Note: Yeesh, this was a pain in the ass to write. This chapter was so long I had to split in two. What's in the book, you ask? How will it help them find Naruto's future lady-friend? Well stop asking and just wait and find out next chapter._

_Reviews always appreciated. Peace bitches…_


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